Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good