“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
X-tra spooky blend
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man