*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You Might Also Like
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise