My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost