me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
And bowling should be called pinball
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’