“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old