My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away