Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor: