Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late