Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
men are simple creatures
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!