Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
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15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history