Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Wise advice
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Sharon, call the vet
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?