Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
me opening up to someone
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Word!
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…