INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
honestly, i need both:
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.