*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Mornin. * use accordingly
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Hell yeah 👍
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it