I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
You Might Also Like
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw