I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
back to work
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“You’d better run, egg!”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog