everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”