I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels