My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
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Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.