“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.