CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
You Might Also Like
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her