Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Good boy 😂😂
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
LOL!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up