Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault