Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.