Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
You Might Also Like
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣