I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny