*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I hope Alan is OK
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?