date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Sunday
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.