Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
You Might Also Like
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When ur friends with white people
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?