Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.