You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I am HOWLING at this
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton