a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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*3.5 thank you very much.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza