a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
reminder
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Noah
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti