The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Did I do this right
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]