Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Do one person every day that scares you.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”