MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back