*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”