Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Note to self: I am a note
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.