I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You Might Also Like
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.