*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.