People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
You Might Also Like
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
knights of the ikea table
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment