Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
saw this in a dream
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.