MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
What if the weather talks about us?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them