My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.