It’s been a terrible year for burglars
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Danger is very dangerous
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.