A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
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*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Encore…
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”