Oh my God.
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My work here is don’t.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
saving face 👀
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
When you let grandma cat sit
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
How do dragons blow out candles?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate