No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
No laws when master is gone
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)