The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Cha-ching is my safe word
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.